Regret
by Cooliceprincess
Summary: Utakata's last thoughts as his bijuu was extracted.


He hadn't recalled the last time he smiled truly, without a weight in his heart. Hotaru eased the pain, but not by much. Because Hotaru is not Shizuka, and Shizuka might be the only cure to the hole in his heart. But she's not there, and it was his fault.

Yuki Shizuka was...pretty. That was his first impression. Then he learned that she was also clever, strong, and honest. She was always so kind, so forgiving. Despite all of her pains, she didn't desire revenge, nor did she hold grudges. That was what made her different from him, he supposed. He never quite forgotten his Shishou, trying to take his bijuu and causing him unbearable pain.

Yet, she was not exactly flawless. He hadn't recalled knowing someone as naive or as impulsive as her. She believed in fairy tales and happy endings, which is something he considered foolish. She would jump without thinking into either conclusions or brawl whenever she so pleases, and she's just so damn annoying. Even so, she remained endearing in his eyes.

As death started to overtake him, he recalled his memories of her, of their first meeting, of their first mission, of their first combination jutsu, of their first pseudo-date, and then he realized he loved her much more than he thought. Her dark brown hair, matching eyes, that kind pretty smile that made his heart melt. He wondered why he didn't tell her sooner. Oh, right. Because he's too stupid to notice his own feelings.

He recalled her bold kiss, him being dumbfounded, and her laughing between mirth, nervousness and disappointment, thinking he rejected her. Then she turned away and left, muttering something about their mission tomorrow. He was still too shell-shocked to do anything, curse his stupidity and damned slow brain.

The mission was a disaster. They managed to retrieve the problematic secret jutsu scroll or whatever the thing was, but the enemy was hot on their trail. He mentally hit himself for not listening to his _Shishou_ 's advice. He sent their pursuers his exploding bubbles. She sent them her deadly ice shards. For a moment, it seemed like they won, and he lowered his guard. His biggest mistake yet.

The attack was sudden. By the time he realized it's a trap, it was too late.

He parried and dodged various attacks, at the brim of exhaustion and desperation. She got his back, something he was thankful of, but it doesn't help their situation. They were completely surrounded. Due to his momentary slip, he failed to dodge a blow to his gut. It was a hard blow, knocking the wind out of his lungs, his head unable to comprehend anything for a split second. That was all it takes for the enemy to send him a deadly blow. He was certain it would be his death. But no, she just had to block it, her ridiculous yet attractive streak that never failed to cause him heart attacks.

Blood. So much blood coming from such slender body. And then realization downed on him and he screamed her name. Her body went limp and unresponding, and he snapped. He could care less what happened to those who came in contact with Saiken's acid tail. Nothing but her form, her wound, and her blood filled his distraught mind. By the time he came to his senses, enemy forces were scattered about, dead. But then again, he still cared less.

He held her close, and tried to find any sign of life in her. He found it, or at least, what's left of it. Her body grew cold each passing moment. Blood exited her body from the gaping wound. He had to stop that if he wanted her to stay alive. But he's no healer, and the village was still miles away. He stubbornly pressed forward, though. She woke up, seemingly sensing his presence, and gathered just barely enough strength to call his name and stop him.

She insisted he put her down, and as usual, he lost the staring competition and did as she said. She told him she was going to die, the wound was much too severe to heal. She smiled. She smiled so beautifully, but it was wistful and sad, and his heart sank. Deep down, he knew she wouldn't last a day. He refused to believe that. Ha, ironic that it was him who believed in happy endings at the time.

"Uta...ka...ta..." she gasped for breath, and she mouthed something that looked like ' _arigatou_ ' or ' _aishiteru_ ,' (whichever it is, he really could care less when he was focused on saving her life more)then she added an unmistakable ' _baka_ ' at the end.

And just like that, she was gone. No poetic last words or even a drop of dramatic rain. It was actually quite sunny, and he wondered if she meant so little to the sky that it wouldn't even cry for her. Not that there's any need, his tears rained her enough.

His life went from bad to worse from that point on, with his _shishou_ 's betrayal, and him becoming a hunted criminal. He felt like he was permanently broken and every single day he spent not seeing her, he broke just a little more. He cursed that even to this point, his regrets had been selfish. He regretted acting like nothing happened that day, at the start of the mission. He regretted not being able to say anything just because it felt embarrassing and plain uncomfortable. He regretted procastinating, thinking he could tell her once the mission was complete, thinking he was avoiding awkward moments that would become a distraction. Screw awkward, he should've told her he loved her the first thing in the morning.

His consciousness slipped, he felt lighter every second. He never thought death would be this peaceful...though not exactly painless. As the last of Saiken's _chakra_ left his body, he drew his last shaky breath with struggle.

 _Will I see you again...Shizuka?_


End file.
